Chapter one. An
early start.
I told my father
what you asked me? said Julie. I could feel the blood rushing to my
face and my feet began to feel numb. He said you may kiss me on the
cheek or on the hand like a gentleman. I am a gentleman I thought or
so my grandmother and mother had told me often enough but that’s
not where I wanted to kiss her at all. When I had asked her it was
plain as day to me that if you were supposed to kiss a girl like
Julie it was on the lips and that it was a very secretive thing or so
I had thought. He would like to meet you after summer camp today she
had said. My face most of been bright red at this stage and if my
feet had been numb there is no word for what was going on in my mind.
Panic is the closest I could figure. Julie was a beautiful little
girl of around eight years old and I a year her senior. Still playing
kiss chasing and climbing trees and all those other things that
innocent enough children do. I was the enough, she was the innocent.
I remember clear as day how beautiful she was to me, long blonde hair
just over her shoulders and big bright blue eyes that almost would
seem too big for her if she hadn’t got the most wonderful smile to
match them. It was the first time I had ever asked a girl for a kiss
and she had went home to ask her parents. I suppose I should of just
been happy that the father had allowed her to even talk to me again.
Never mind kiss her gentle on the cheek. I only wanted a kiss and
hold hands for a while under the tree where no one could see us. Now
it seemed not only was I not getting my kiss but I had to meet her
father too. I don’t remember why but this seemed like a really bad
idea to me. Her father, why would he want to see me, what would he
say? Would he be angry? Of course he will be angry I want to kiss his
daughter and hold her hand my child mind was screaming at me. As if
she could sense the panic flowing through me all of a sudden she told
me to close my eyes, I did with panic in my heart. I felt soft lips
touch mine for the quickest of moments and then she kissed me. Not a
passionate kiss like we would expect in our older more jaded years
but a peck to which I pecked back. My panic disappeared and was
replaced by something new all together. Something I really had no
word for, no reference came to mind to help me figure it out. It
kinda felt like being on the fast tea cups at the funfair but better.
More intense, it spread everywhere to my fingertips and back again.
I opened my eyes. Though I would of never believed it possible but
there Julie stood more beautiful than ever with red cheeks to match
mine. I reached out and took her hand as she quickly grasped back we
kissed another time. This time slightly longer and more confident
though not harder. Just more at ease. For those moments I forgot
about everything, even how to breath seemed labored it didn’t come
natural anymore, my stomach was doing flip flops and she was just
standing beside me now with a smile that eased my worry anytime I
remembered that her father would be screaming at me at the end of the
day. Oh my god I thought, we kissed on the lips. Now he’s really
going to be angry at me if he was not already. Julie didn’t seem
bothered by the thought of her father. She just wanted to know why I
had wanted to kiss her in the first place. Why her and not one of the
other girls at camp. I couldn’t answer, I knew I thought she was
prettier than anyone there. Though my child mind couldn’t tell her
that. Don’t know I answered. Why did you kiss me just now? I asked.
Wanted to know what it felt like she answered. How did it feel? I
asked again. I don’t know she answered, lets try again. This time
we kissed longer and pretended like we were people on tv. Moving our
mouths open and closed in a French kiss movement but without the
tounge. We didn’t know that could be done. Seemed kinda of icky at
the time to even think about. Peoples tounges touching eachother.
Gross. Kissing Julie was far from gross though. It was positively
delightful, made a young boy feel alive and awakened a taste for this
thing called kissing. Did you feel anything in your belly I asked one
last time? Yes she said, but didn’t know what. I felt calm again.
Whatever the feeling was it was part of kissing I thought. Was it
because we kissed on the lips made our bellys think we were hungry?
But no it wasn’t like hunger. It was more exciting, nervous.
Whatever it was I was hooked. Julie! Patrick! Come away from that
tree and join the rest shouted a older woman in a yellow summer camp
tee shirt. So off we went to join the group, ill never forget the
feeling of being surrounded by people yet knowing that really it was
only me and Julie there together. The rest didn’t really exist they
were there but they didn’t count, like clouds to a blue sky. Part
of it but still separate. As the day grew to a close and our parents
started to come collect us my panic slowly started to return. What is
she tells him that we kissed? Julie and I waited, I was doing my best
to look cool and innocent all the while hoping that my mother would
be first and I would be gone before he arrived but to no avail,there
he was walking towards us. Julie jumped to greet him and I tried to
make myself disappear into the wall of the old side building of the
church. Is this the boy?
He asked. Yes daddy he is answered Julie without missing a beat. So
young man why do you want to kiss my daughter and do you think that
is ok to do? I stayed silent. Too afraid to answer really, though no
answer came to mind. Speak up boy you do have a voice don’t you? Or
you could never of asked her for a kiss. I think she is pretty and
then I mumbled under my breath something I couldn’t even
understand. And what he asked? And I don’t know I said. He laughed
long and hard and I just stood there bright red and confused. You
don’t know? You know know? I can tell you son that god forgive me
for saying this but im thirty seven years old and I still don’t
know why it is I want to kiss my wife. Lord knows she complains
enough yet no matter what, if I see her I got to kiss her at least
once. Maybe its just one of those things he mused she’s her
mother’s daughter alright. Snips and snails and all that he
finished. Snips and snails I thought? What does that have to do with
kissing. Sugar and spice he said and looked fondly at his daughter.
Then straight back to me. You can kiss her he said, but like this. He
reached down to julies hand lifted it knuckle side up and gentle
kissed her hand. i didn’t really want to kiss her I said, some boys
dared me to ask I tried to explain. He knew I was lying and so did
she. Kiss her hand boy before you insult my daughter and by doing so
me too. Julie beamed with pride and offered her hand as if she was a
princess. I quickly took it and kissed her hand. With her father
laughing all the while and my stomach was no longer dancing at all I
noticed. The mere sight of him put a stop to that. As I watched Julie
and her father walk away after an awkward goodbye I never thought
that would be the last time I seen either of them. I was already
dreaming of a summer, days spent kissing her under that old big tree
but next day she was not at camp and we were told she was on holiday
and would be so till camp was over. When I got home that next evening
I protested to my mother I didn’t want to go back to that silly
camp anymore but never told her why. My mother being herself tried to
talk me into staying but I was having none of it. Nope, nada never
again. How could I ever go back and enjoy a day of camp when all I
could think about was that I’d never see her or kiss her again.
When I think back on that day it strikes me how little I understood
of love. That it was not only what I know now are butterfly’s in
the belly and secret kisses behind old oak trees. I had my first
encounter with the cruel but crucial mistress called love and
attraction. In some ways I think my innocence died that day. For I
had years before already played mammy and daddies, doctors and nurses
and whatever fantasy games come to the mind of children to explore
their differences. Though through those games we had been more
exposed and straight to the point. That kiss had been closer, it had
been honest. Which I found out also later was going to be when kisses
were at their best, with honesty and love breaking down the barriers
of childhood and into the realm of lust and passion.
Close to my tenth
birthday I had badly wanted a bright green grip tape for my hurly
stick. Yet a month waiting seemed too long to bare so one day I
walked into the local sports store on the way to school and simply
put it in my pocket. If kisses made my stomach flip and heart pound.
This made my heart pound and scared me silly. Yet not enough to not
do it. I really wanted that tape and I had only one way I knew for
sure to get it
